Hi Phil if you have time do you mind if you have a look over this draft for me please? I went to get it checked out with Tracy today and needed to be restructured, so hopefully this drafts better than my last Unit's! :D
Unit 2 Esasy
Your assignment is well-supported by evidence - that's great, and there's a sense of you really drilling down into the content, which is great. Stylistically, it's a bit clunky in places, and you've got some missing words: for example, in your opening statement you write 'within the film' - which is unnecessary, as your reader already knows it's a film you're discussing - when you read through prior to submission, just do so with a pen in one hand, and scribble out any needless repetition or waffle. You have an incomplete quote from William Egglestone - 'backgrounds, and...'? Also, in terms of Harvard, you just need the surname in your citation, so (Egglestone + date etc). Be sure to put all your film titles in italics and when you reference another film (i.e. Psycho) you should give the release date for it too - Psycho (1960)... As you discuss the production design of Edward Scissorhands, you might want to consider the addition of a supporting quote here too - to corroborate your reading of the contrasts between the exterior and interior of the castle etc.
This just needs lots of polish, Joey - go polish! :)
Hey Joey,
ReplyDeleteYour assignment is well-supported by evidence - that's great, and there's a sense of you really drilling down into the content, which is great. Stylistically, it's a bit clunky in places, and you've got some missing words: for example, in your opening statement you write 'within the film' - which is unnecessary, as your reader already knows it's a film you're discussing - when you read through prior to submission, just do so with a pen in one hand, and scribble out any needless repetition or waffle. You have an incomplete quote from William Egglestone - 'backgrounds, and...'? Also, in terms of Harvard, you just need the surname in your citation, so (Egglestone + date etc). Be sure to put all your film titles in italics and when you reference another film (i.e. Psycho) you should give the release date for it too - Psycho (1960)... As you discuss the production design of Edward Scissorhands, you might want to consider the addition of a supporting quote here too - to corroborate your reading of the contrasts between the exterior and interior of the castle etc.
This just needs lots of polish, Joey - go polish! :)